Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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