Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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