hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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