I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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