RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
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