saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
its not stalking. its research.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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