Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
