I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
