Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
