We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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