i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
