he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
