i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
