Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Its about making memories worth repressing
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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