Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
