I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
