Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
