she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
