Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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