just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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