So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
