Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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