Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
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I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
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We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
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