i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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