An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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