I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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