Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
