I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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