Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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