If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
