I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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