How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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