no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
