while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
