My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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