is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he thought i was a dude.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
