Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
