i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Best friends brother. Beat that.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
