Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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