the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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