there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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