also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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