I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
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I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
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STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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