getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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