someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
