You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
