hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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