he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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