my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
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The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
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She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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