Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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