chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
