why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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