I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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