Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
