I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
