god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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