Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
