On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
